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This Christmas morning, are you worried you didn’t choose the perfect present for that someone special? I constantly strive, yet wherever I look I’m bombarded with impractical ideas. Absolutely not, I don’t want a candle with a poultry aroma, for the simple reason we’ll be cooking turkey. I also don't need a dawn-simulating clock, since I can leave the blinds achieves the same thing. And I definitely don’t desire a salmon DNA pink collagen jelly mask, because that genetic material comes from fish semen. Were I seeking fish sperm applied to my skin, I'd simply tickle some pollocks.

Finding Ideas From the Animal Kingdom

Therefore, if you constantly search for gift ideas, my advice is: take a lesson from wildlife. Humans didn’t invent the act of giving. This tradition has been around for at least 100 million years, well before our species evolved. With a little help from natural selection, wild animals have had wild animals ample time to perfect gift-giving. Indeed, some spiders go so far as to wrap their offerings!

Leaving out exercise-related items and other products I dislike, we can identify five categories of Christmas gift: edibles, things for the home, jewelry, skincare and clothing. The animal kingdom excels in every category.

Food Gifts: High-Protein Treats to Gourmet Skewers

Certain cuckoo species offer their mates high-protein snacks such as insects, frogs and lizards. But if you prefer their meat skewered, then look to the butcher bird, or Lanius excubitor. The males spear their catch, such as insects and mice, onto pointed thorns and branches to create impromptu kebabs.

Some insects present to their suitors salivary offerings, yet these are not ordinary globs. These represent scorpionfly spitballs, created from the freshest saliva sourced from swollen labial glands of only the fittest males. The delicacy is nutrient-dense, a key reason why females prefer males with big balls.

Another reason is that the fittest males produce the largest gifts. By "fit" I am not referring to physical appearance, though that may be true. I mean genetic fitness.

These presents are offered prior to mating, so by choosing the male with the biggest package, the female is also selecting genetic quality. She then eats the delicacy while mating but ends copulation as soon as it is finished. Larger gifts mean longer copulation times, during which the male transfers more sperm and the female is unable to mate with other males. This clarifies the male's motivation for creating such an intricate present.

Homeware and Bling

Adélie penguins don’t give food, but they do give things for the home. On the icy continent, where they live, there is no home improvement store, so the penguins must gather their gifts from the local landscape. Every mating season, males collect pebbles to begin constructing their nest. The vital building blocks are scarce, leading some chancers to steal pebbles from their neighbours. But when a male gives a pebble to a potential mate, it signals his readiness for commitment. Consider it the avian version of an engagement ring. The stone is not worn, though. If she also wants to get serious, she takes the gift and places it into the nest. Then, after a few finishing touches, they are prepared to raise a family.

Regarding shiny things, crows excel in this department. Numerous stories of individuals who have befriended wild corvids and then been given metal caps, screws, buttons and other shiny items. In one notable case, two people in Florida were once given a bracelet with a diamond by a crow they often fed. This is especially charming since, whereas many creatures give presents in the hope of scoring, crows apparently give simply for the joy of it.

The Pinnacle of Multipurpose Present: Sea Sponges

In Western Australia, researchers have observed dolphins collecting pieces of marine sponge from the seabed and using them in interesting ways. Sometimes, while foraging for fish, they wear the sponges on their beak to help protect their skin. At other times, when male dolphins wish to court females, they wear them like jaunty hats before presenting them as presents.

In so doing, dolphins brilliantly combine two final categories of Christmas gift. Sea sponges serve as attire and skincare. To make it even better, when males give their sponge gifts, they often strike a curved posture and play a little tune through their blowhole.

This is not the half-arsed giving from pets – such as a cat presenting a deceased rodent in a hidden spot – or certain individuals. Dolphin presents are thoughtful, serve multiple uses, ethically gathered and presented with flair. There is a lesson from them. A famous singer may have said the only desire during the holidays “is you”, but if I have one Christmas wish, is to be given a sponge-hat-skin-protector from a cetacean that serenades me in a stylish manner.